I am sorry. I am, please believe me! I don’t know how to fix this. I will do anything just to stop your suffering. I am a dangerous person, s***, sub-human, a cornered animal. I am psychotic, and I have killed. Ex-gang member, I joined at 13 years old. Why? **** excuses. Even if I had a good reason, it doesn’t mean ****. You always have an option to not go down that path. For my initiation, I stabbed a human being, an 'enemy.' I stabbed him over and over and stayed, looking him in the eyes until he was gone. I overkilled just to get respect. Nobody did an overkill for their initiation. I did it, and I kept doing it for 9 years. They say the first one you kill will haunt you, but he never did. He was like me. My hands tremble on the keyboard, and I can’t stop crying. I did that, captain, which gave the order if that matters. But that doesn’t matter, right, bruv? We will see each other on the other side. I don’t know what to do, mate. I don’t. Most humans that I've hurt were in the game, but that didn't give me permission to go on a rampage or the power of a god. Nobody, no mortal, has that power to decide if you live or vanish. Justification? That was an illusion which the captains kept us ready to go at any moment. I don’t know if I can do this. This is so intense, mate. I must write this for the others. If you don’t have other options in your life, just do the right thing, mate, and take as many as you can with you. If you go with them on that path, you will do a lot of damage, and it will consume you, like slow p***ive murder. I was collecting a drug debt. The person was homeless, addicted, in deep suffering. He didn’t have the money. They always pay when I come. That person was not playing this ****ed-up game like me; he was just suffering, and the drugs were salvation for him, and I was death coming to collect. So he vanished; nobody knows where or how. After some time, I was doing security for a transport, and something was not right. I could feel something bad was going to happen, so we kept our guard up and paid more attention to the surroundings. Then I saw HER. ****, man. ****ing ****. She was standing motionless, watching me. I can still see her like it was yesterday. It was a girl in her 20s holding a child, watching me with hate so intense that we abandoned the mission. I thought she was an informant or something. That look was so ****ing scary! Scary for a psychotic s*** like me? So, of course, there was punishment for the lost transport, so I needed to explain what the **** happened. Then somebody told me that that girl was the daughter of the man whose soul I took for 100 euros. Can you imagine that girl's hate? I can still feel it! Believe me, no life sentence could fix this, no money, not even if I’ll go back and blast them all. Nothing could save me or end your suffering. I don’t know what to do. Since 2007, I see your face every day. I see that child you’re holding, I can smell the blood and hear how the skull and bones are cracking, every night. Every night, I have a dream where I’m driving a car and always lose control, no matter what I try to do. I cry. I pay every day for that deed, for all of them. I’m not writing this to make it stop, NO! I need to pay. But I want you to know that I will go back. I don’t have other options. I need to fix this, to balance things. I have a daughter now. I am in another country, but you are with me. I will go back over there to pay them that 100 euros. I will print this message and leave it for my daughter, maybe she will have the courage one day to come and say sorry to you, to your child. I don’t know what to do. Forgive me, please. I’m begging you. I don’t know what to do.