So, I'm going to try to write a text here but I don't really know where to start because I'm not good at it, but I need to vent and "talk to someone", even if no one responds. I feel like I'm very self-destructive, I don't care much about myself or what happens to me. I do not think about the consequences either. Sometimes I think it could be a thing of age and youth (25M), but I don't know if my friends also think that about themselves or behave that way when no one is looking. I was introduced to alcohol and cigarettes at the age of 13, on very close occasions. Since then I drink whenever I have the opportunity, meetings with friends, parties, etc. I also feel like I have a very addictive personality, which scares me a little but in the end I don't really care. As much as I hide it from myself at times, any time going out for me has to involve drinking in some way, even when it doesn't make much sense (at these times I control myself as much as possible so as not to make the suggestion about booze when people aren't really into it, because I end up feeling embarr***ed for being the only one in the group wanting to get drunk) and I end up drinking out of control to the point of being useless the next day. I haven't smoked cigarettes in a long time, but I feel an uncontrollable urge even though I've only smoked a few times, I can't see someone on the street smoking that makes me want it too. I also appreciate medications, especially if they make me want to sleep, I like getting high... I wonder if I end up trying some drugs and end up liking them more than I think I will... Since I was 13 I've also suffered from depression and anxiety, I think it could be a real aggravating factor for all of the things I said above... they must be thinking that I'm really stupid for getting involved in these things, but I don't know, I consider myself really ****ed up... I don't know if you read this far or if anyone even opened the post, but I had to get it out somehow, I don't know how to change it since I don't have much self-control either, I thought a few times before publishing it but I decided to put it out anyway to see some opinions (if any). Thanks.