I feel as if I am going insane.
I keep on daydreaming about.. terrorist **** basically. I want to stop the world from ending, and the only way to do that is to get rid of the parasite on life that is humanity. I know I'm not smart enough or powerful enough to do so, but it's all I want to do. I think about how it would be if this was a story and I was the 'villain' in the context of the story. It wouldn't matter if I was right or wrong in reality, because in the context of the universe I would be objectively wrong. The story would have a moral and it would be that I'm wrong. I want to be wrong. But I care about life on earth as a whole more than I care about this species, and it filters everything I view through a very pessimistic lens. Nothing is true and I've become so critical of my instincts that I'm constantly at war with myself. "I'm going crazy only a crazy person would think this I wish there was a god and I was a bad example" vs. "I can't forgive myself if I don't try. I have to say something. I have to do something. I can't just sit here when I know I can do more". I don't know what to do. I want to kill people, but I don't want to, or moreso, I have to kill people, but I don't want to. I just want to wait. But I hate everything I see and do and I hate everything I think. I don't hate people for the most part, but am I really just going to sit and watch this? I can't. I don't think I'm going to. I don't think so. But I just can't imagine what happens next, for me, and for everything else. I love life. Everything our species does makes me want to vomit. The fact that I'm getting a therapist because I don't want to do this makes me want to vomit. I can't live. The only moments I get away from everything is when I'm thinking about pieces of fiction. I wish I was a Batman villain or something. lol. Then nothing would actually be real.
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