Hello, i am writing this because i dont know where else to turn. I struggle with a lot of mental problems. Autism, ADHD, PMDD, and most of all bipolar disorder. I am on medication for my bipolar disorder but not for anything else. My appointment to get rediagnosed with adhd is two full months away. It lapsed when i turned 18. Im 22 now and i have been suffering without medication because i was too underweight to safely take it. Ive gained enough weight that im more comfortable trying adhd meds again. I have a lot of very loving friends and family, and an amazing partner, but i just feel empty. Or angry. Or sad. Or lonely. It gets worse in the winter. Way worse. I contemplate my death daily. Im not going to kill myself. But i think about it often. How much easier it would be if i didnt exist. How i wouldnt be miserable anymore. My only skill is art. Im great at drawing, sculpture, woodworking, painting, sewing. Basically any art medium. But it is the most useless skill. I have failed at everything i have ever tried to do beside make pictures. I am an unreliable employee. I am unreliable when it comes to commissions, and i have never had a job that i was actually successful at. I have tried 3 seperate times to have a tattoo apprenticeship and failed each time. It was my dream to become a tattoo artist and it feels impossible now because i have to work full time to support myself in this god awful economy. My food benefits were reduced to $24 a month. And food is so goddamn expensive. Everyone is always telling me how proud they are of me but i just feel like a failure and a disappointment. I cant ask for help because everyone i know is struggling bad too. My therapist ****ing sucks and in order to get a new one theres a 6 month waiting list. I cant go that long without some form of therapy even though i hate it. I am exhausted and burnt out and i dont have hope right now. I have no money, no future, and i physically cannot feel joy right now. At all. I feel disconnected from everything. I feel like my soul is dying. The only thing keeping me alive is knowing how sad my partner and friends and family would be if i was gone. I dont think theres a place in the world for me. I miss when i could still feel happy. I miss when my life was stable and i was able to funtion. Im late to work almost every day because im so exhausted just by doing the basic things i need to to survive that i sleep in all the time. I am so fatigued 24/7. I physically cannot make myself do many things that come so naturally to other people. On top of that i am in so much physical pain all the ****ing time. Every joint hurts. Not in a stiff kind of way. My joints overextend or bend in weird ways and it hurts really bad. Sometimes when im walking my knees bend backwards too far and it hurts for the rest of the day.My limbs fall asleep with the slightest bit of prolonged pressure. Sometimes when i lay down to sleep the entire surface of my skin starts to burn and i toss and turn for hours trying to find some relief from the pain. I have worsening scoliosis that is causing me more and more pain. I get migraines and often miss work because every sound and any light at all is unbearable. I dont know what to do. I feel lost and hopeless. I feel drained. I feel empty. I dont think i'll ever actually be happy.